Hello everyone. My name is Carla and I’m a Nutriwanker.
When the marketing team behind the Nutribullet brainwashed us all into buying the world’s most elaborately described and overpriced blender, I did worry that I would suddenly become everything I hate; a fad-following, corner-cutting, sitting-on-their-ass kinda dieter. Damn those commercials and their hypnotic sense of superiority.
This could be true for some people (ahem, Emily Gibson, who bought hers on on a whim and has since used it almost exclusively to make Pisco Sours), but luckily for me, I’ve always enjoying putting away an inordinate amount of veg. Even when I was a meat-eater I took down enough roughage for ten men. Ask my long-suffering uni companions and now my grown-up London flatmates; the smell of cabbage will forever haunt their nostrils.
That said, it’s easy to fall into a rut with these things, making the same couple of recipes over and over. I’m certainly guilty of being uncreative when it comes to smoothies, so periodically I go on Instagram for some Nutrinspiration (…I’ll see myself out) and see these people with the most infuriatingly elaborate concoctions. “After an hour of meditation, I am positively parched for a 32oz mason jar of chi. I just love cordyceps, reishi and maca with bee pollen and home made almond milk. Pantry staples, you know.” Fuck off.
Natural Blender caters to the middle ground occupied by people like me; the ones who get a buzz from eating healthily but do not consider cacao powder or goji berries part of the weekly shop. It’s essentially a smoothie ingredient subscription service; you sign up and receive a weekly delivery of portioned ingredients to blend at home. It also comes with recipe cards so easy to follow that even the most chronic moron couldn’t mess up. As long as you have a blender (have I mentioned Nutribullets?) and the occasional splash of water, you are delivered everything you need to make five different smoothies, each of which provides two servings, so great for those who live with a friend or partner (or the incurably greedy, like me).
The recipe cards give you a nutritional summary and macro breakdown, and the combinations of ingredients were innovative and clearly well considered. Some of them are the sort of thing I would never have thought to use, like day four’s concoction, Smooth Along; baby bok choy, apple, plum, Chilean maqui berry powder and organic pumpkin seeds.
Or day three, Pulp Power, my favourite; a whole courgette, an orange, half a lemon, basil, hemp protein and flaxseeds. There’s no way I would have thought to mix up these combinations, but they were delicious. All five of them were.
I was impressed by how quick and easy it was. With all the ingredients portioned out for you, prep time is cut to an absolute minimum. Unless you’re especially broken when it comes to peeling oranges, I wager that you can be drinking your smoothie within a minute of beginning the process, and that’s being generous. It’s great for those who ‘don’t have time for breakfast’. (Side note: who are you people and how do you function?)
The box costs £24.50 and includes recipe cards with all the portioned ingredients to make five different smoothies, comprising ten servings. £2.45 per smoothie: way less than you’ll spend at a juice bar full of hipsters, or Pret even. Natural Blender also have a handy (and, ummm, easily ceased, if necessary!) subscription service, where you can receive a weekly or fortnightly box on Saturdays, with free delivery nationwide.
£24.50 may sound like a lot, but it’s what a lot of people would drop on a bottle of wine in a restaurant, or a takeaway pizza that will fill you with regret and a doughy food baby. This gives you a week’s worth of being a really posh, smug Nutriwanker. Priceless.
Author: Carla Juniper
Carla is a proud Putney-dweller and newly-minted vegetarian. She loves pickled beetroot and experimenting in the kitchen, especially when accompanied by a very large glass of wine, which is known to aid creativity and culinary prowess. In her spare time she uses her degree in Illustration to create bespoke digital portraits (you can check our her work here).
She also sucks at the flying trapeze.